Flying Meat Head trains meaty fists of fury

Gus Mueller, head of Flying Meat, Inc, announced today that he was going on vacation. Known to only a select few, however, is that it's not only a vacation, it's a steely training jaunt to hone his skills at beating his opponents at the deadliest game ever — Chess boxing.

Slid under the door of MacNose Headquarters (a.k.a. The Ol' Factory) was a copy of his training itinerary and plans take his fly gestures to the mat. Mueller appears to have poured utmost care and thought into his foray into this new passion, going so far as to have re-purposed Britney Spears's "Piece of Me" as his entrance theme.

I'm little programmer's dream since I step on the scene
Don't matter if I code a machine
Or climb a mountain while looking lean
They still gonna put pictures of my derrière in the magazine
You want some Flying Meat? You want some Flying Meat?

I'm Mr. Awesome Apps Fly Out my Anus
(You want some Flying Meat?)
I'm Mr. Oh My God, That Gus is Shameless
(You want some Flying Meat?)

I'm Mr. Acorn, Mr. VoodooPad
(You want some Flying Meat?)
I'm Mr. Lua Coding Is So Rad
(You want some Flying Meat?)

Competitors over at Nolobe (makers of Iris) appear to have already sniffed out The Mueller's plans, and are training their own top developers to take him on the mat. Other developers, however, are more circumspect about their odds at taking on the lanky Lua king.

"Gus Mueller? Isn't he that really tall guy? He must have a pretty good reach . . . I dunno . . . maybe if I can get a K.O. in the first Chess round . . . maybe?" Pixelmator's Aidas Dailide was overheard saying.

When informed that was really just not possible, he opted instead to steer clear of VoodooPad's dad.

LITERAL SHADOW CAST OVER C4[2] OPENING NIGHT

Twitteriffic's Craig Hockenberry has always been heralded as one of the tallest developers on the platform, but some at this year's C4[2] indie bash have found themselves in the shadow of what appeared to be an even larger man.

"Look at that, he's so freakishly tall! He's like, 3 feet taller than me," pint-sized Canadian Guy English confided.

Shushed as Hockenberry strode past, English was seen to actually be a full four feet shorter, which set a gaggle of programmers to chattering.

"Holy fuck, he's still growing," Skorpiostech's Ian Baird whispered once out of earshot of the formidably sized man.

After sniffing around, the MacNose discovered Chockenberry's rise to 12 feet (at the time of reporting) was the result of an attempted hit gone awry. The lead developer on Twinkle (a competitor to Twitteriffic on iPhone), was asked to ensure they had the top Twitter app, "no matter what it [took]," the MacNose learned.

Being a bit squeamish about actually doing the deed and executing the gentle giant, he instead sowed radioactive powder in Hockenberry's supply of his favorite breakfast cereal, Count Chockenberry O's. The scheme backfired, however, when, instead of weakening and dying of radiation poisoning, Hockenberry began to grow.

"It's like something out of Night of the Lepus or Them," said the shaken would-be assassin.

It is unclear if Hockenberry is aware of who is "benefactor" is, but he appeared to revel in his even more immense stature, tweeting "Neener neener. I'll be the tallest developer there. :-)," just before the start of the conference.

Some were a bit uncomfortable at the prospect of a man who could very well fill half the conference space all by himself by next year, but organizer Wolf Rentzsch said "Well, as long as he doesn't accidentally squish Buzz Anderson or something, he'll continue to be welcome at C4[3] and beyond."

Blind Items

• Which fledging input manager hack is being held from release because its fearless young engineer has unexpectedly started emitting Hawking radiation?

• What old guard indie house has yet to announce they will be closing shop at the end of the year so their founder can return to his first love of canary wrestling?

• Which MMO is currently under investigation by the state of California for allegations that it causes reproductive harm?

• What principal of an iconic design house practices an enitirely unique form of cannibalism, helping himself to a daily breakfast of "Chockenberry O's"?

Propitious PodWorks 3.0 promises more . . . everything

PodWorks is one of the best known and well-rated iPod utilities on the market, allowing persons with poor back-up skills to recover whatever small percentage of their music remained on their iPod or iPhone. With a new point release just a few weeks ago, it is sure to bring comfort and joy to more users everywhere.

But a full release has been in the works for a while as well, but not yet seen the light. PodWorks 3 promises even more comfort and joy when it is released, but it may be a long time coming yet.

Insiders say there's a bug lurking in the code that may cause issues for a small percentage of users running on a specific hardware configuration. While the problem would affect only a small number of users, the number of those affected would continue to grow and grow, quite literally: via transmutation and interference with DNA replication, PodWorks 3 can cause a person to undergo mitosis as a whole and split off into a duplicate.

If the pricing scheme remains the same, for a mere $8, you'll soon be able to purchase unlimited use of PodWorks to save music from iPhones and iPods from whence you have lost the source library and also the chance to sprout a fake personage of yourself somewhere in the world.

Steve Jobs, Apple founder and former boss of the boss of the boss of Buzz Andersen, was allowed a sneak peek at the 3.0 almost 2 years ago. Andersen was not aware of the bug at the time, but a frantic early morning call from Jobs' assistant soon made everything crystal.

They attempted to hide FSJ, but he promptly escaped from the maximum security stockade to the Cupertino underground, where he bided his time until blossoming forth unto the unsuspecting world via blogger.

Andersen has tried to quash rogue copies of the alpha, but they have lived on to strike again.

Sources say there is a whole fake development underground, writing fake apps for fake OS X, but most are afraid of coming out. However, a few have been emboldened by FSJ's leap into the light, such as Daneil Jalkut, and self-proclaimed "Supreme Computer Scientist" Fake RixStep.

Only time will tell if Andersen will be able to smash the bug before release day, and if the indies will be able to survive what is sure to be the upcoming fake revolution.

John "Dingo" Torque's C6 conference set to crush oldcomer C4

Jonathan "Wolf" Rentzsch's C4 conference will have some competition in the indie dev circuit this year in the form of C6, a new conference designed to bring independents together to talk about the things that matter most to them.

Conference organize John "Dingo" Torque is best known for having a silly name, but also wrote some very powerful, but little known packages such as mach_syringe and mach_superoverride. According to Torque, C6 is a replacement of MacShack.

"While one can never truly replace MacShack, I think developers miss squatting in a an abandoned little cabin in the countryside, hiding from ferocious wolves while bitching about NSTableView. I know I do," said Torque.

The C6 conference (Code, Conspiracy, Culture, Conspiracy, Community, Conspiracy) will include a competition, the likes of which has never been seen.

Called SteelCoder Live, it will pit top developers against each other — literally.

Quoth Torque, "We're going to have a sweet pit full of crocs, yeah, and anybody that tries to show us something that's just a silly hack is going to get tossed in there."

Instead of just gang signs, there will be actual color wars between rival gangs, which appear to have started early on Twitter. Racial awkwardness brought up at C4[1] promises to blow up to possibly actual tensions despite a recent inspiring speech by presidential hopeful Barack Obama.

"We're going for at least one actual lynching or I'd settle for a name-call or two," said Torque. He also promised that the least interesting speaker of each day, as determined by number of detrimental twitters, will be fed to the hungry crocodilians.

"We've got to keep the quality up somehow," he said.

Panic Profile: Cabel Sasser, man of mystery

Although Panic, Inc. is one of the most prestigious of the indie houses—gobbling up Apple Design Awards aplenty and raking in the accolades—no one knows much about their founders, particularly one Cabel Sasser, a man possessed of petrifying pectorals and a mesmerizing gluteus maximus.

The Mac Nose has learned that Cabel keeps his physique super fit with a regimen of pokemon-fighting and a diet composed not of normal foodstuffs, but an amalgamation of chemicals stuffed into taste treats that make the mind boggle.

Sasser sometimes slips his secrets into his blog, whereupon readers may gaze with awe on the "nutritive" "edibles" the man drops into his digestive system, which sources claim is made not from weak flesh as most mere mortals, but titanium, brushed into a sub-glossy metal, harnessed into subtly pin-striped wiring with candy-colored buttons to speed up, cancel, or redirect digestion.

"He had the plumbing re-done in '02, and Aqua was all the rage," said one panicked peep who declined attribution. "He used to show it off all the time, but now I think he's just embarrassed he's allowed his culinary canal to become so dated."

Regardless of design gaffes, Sasser's tract allows for him to extract every shred of micro-, macro-, and mega-nutrient from each gustatory delight he devours.

This, along with his daily digital battles with Dugtrio, have helped to carve his body into a god-like shape that not many have seen.

"He keeps it under wraps most of time," said a quiet man who identified himself as Fteven Srank. "But man, when he gets into one of his glamourous drunken karaoke rages, off comes the shirt, and man. . . just, wow."

Sasser has also been spotted supplementing his daily exercise regimen by rolling a ball of ever-increasing mass around the Pearl District of Portland.

Light shed on secret Moltz project

In February, the beloved Crazy Apple Rumors Site was put on indefinite hiatus by mastermind John Moltz. Wikipedia and others have pointed to "financial reasons" for the junking of the site, but did not dig deeper.

What could cause a dedicated man to drop a site that's held his love and attention for so many years under the guise of money?

A sexbot army crafted in the image of Jennifer Frickin' Connelly.

Insiders have tipped off the Mac Nose that Moltz is raising an army bolt by bolt, wire by wire, to wrest control of Apple from Steve Jobs and his own cadre of lesbian ninja sexbots to make his dream of Apple branded sexbots come true.

"I mean, if Jon Ive can make a little hunk of white plastic and metal seem like sex, imagine what he could do with actual sexbots!," he was heard to exclaim in an impotent drunken rage at MWSF.

In one aspect, Mac users have nothing to fear: tipsters say Moltz does not plan to use the Jennifer Frickin' Connelly sexbots for the use which they may seem to be intended. "He wouldn't deign to ruin their 'purity.'" a shrouded entity said.

The entity went on to confirm, however, that Moltz is very fond of his prototype creation and refers to it as his "girlfriend in Tacoma".

"I know, I know, it's serious," said the entity as he shook his head.